


Shadoworld Defence Squad

by jaija



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Crack, Multi, gratuitous vine references, the ships are there but this is mostly memes and general shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-06-17 22:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15471474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaija/pseuds/jaija
Summary: prettyboy:   mags what is this?magnificent-bane:  a quick way for me to keep in touch with my favourite people <3magnificent-bane:  which actually makes me question why I even added Solomon at allherongold:  holy shit dude, that’s colddracula-af:  OK WOWdracula-af:  I AM DEEPLY WOUNDED





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ayyyy wassup it's ya girls jumping (late, obviously) onto the groupchat bandwagon
> 
> dracula-af = Simon  
> Raphael Santiago = ...  
> magnificent-bane = Magnus  
> prettyboy = Alec  
> herongold = Jace  
> runemistress = Clary  
> mai-ayyy = Maia  
> whipitgood = Izzy

**1\. Shadoworld Defence Squad**

 

 

 **magnificent-bane** _created the groupchat_ **Shadoworld Defence Squad**

  
**magnificent-bane** _added_ **prettyboy, whipitgood, dracula-af, runemistress, herongold, mai-ayyy** _and_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **prettyboy:** mags what is this?

 

 **magnificent-bane:** a quick way for me to keep in touch with my favourite people  <3

 **magnificent-bane:** which actually makes me question why I even added Solomon at all

 

 **herongold:** holy shit dude, that’s cold

 

 **dracula-af:** OK WOW

 **dracula-af:** I AM DEEPLY WOUNDED

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **dracula-af:** fucks sake

 **dracula-af:** I need a new boyfriend, this one doesnt even bother defending my honor

 

 **herongold:** what the fuck Simon?? Are you and Santiago dating???

 

 **runemistress:** goddammit Jace

 

 **dracula-af:** AH TOLD U

 **dracula-af:** u owe me 50 bucks fray

 

 **whipitgood:** what’s going on here?

 

 **herongold:** that’s exactly what i’d like to know!

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **dracula-af:** clary and I made a bet on whether or not Jace knew if Raphael and I are dating

 

 **herongold:** babe wtf???

 

 **runemistress:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ i love you

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **dracula-af:** pls take ur heterosexuality somewhere else, u’ve spooked my boyfriend again

 

 **whipitgood:** oh my god you guys

 

 **prettyboy:** i’m on lewis’ side.

 

 **dracula-af:** ALE C IM :’))) I FEEL SO H ONOR ED :’’’))))

 

 **prettyboy:** …i take everything back.

 

 **dracula-af:** :’((((

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **magnificent-bane:** rafe don’t be a spoilsport

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **magnificent-bane:** rude

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 **Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

**runemistress:** it’s like watching a tennis match

 

 **Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **whipitgood:** how long do you guys think it’s gonna last?

 

 **dracula-af:** eh, hard to say

  
**magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **dracula-af:** raphas in a bad mood, he could go on abandoning the chat for the whole night out of spite if magnus keeps adding him

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **prettyboy:** magnus is on his 4th martini, I doubt he’ll stop anytime soon.

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **magnificent-bane:** darling, please din't expose me like this

 

 **prettyboy:** din’t

 

 **dracula-af:** DIN’T

 

 **herongold:** din’t

 

 **whipitgood:** din’t

 

 **runemistress:** din’t

 

 **mai-ayyy:** din’t

 

 **runemistress:** oh hi maia!!!

 

 **magnificent-bane:**...this groupchat seemed such a good idea at the time

 **magnificent-bane:** oh! Right

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **dracula-af:** maia!!! my main woman!!!

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **herongold:** so you’ve been lurking in the shadows of this chat all this time huh

 

 **mai-ayyy:** yeah I was waiting for the right time to say hello to everyone except to you, you bleached actionman

 

 **runemistress:** hey that’s my boyfriend!

 

 **mai-ayyy:** I know, my condolencies

 

 **dracula-af:** OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH

 

 **runemistress:** jsgfhfsgdakjh

 

 **herongold:** ok, I know I should be offended or something but that clapback was i n s a n e

 

 **prettyboy:** she roasted you so bad, bro.

 

 **herongold:** bro!! I thought at least you would’ve been a little offended on my behalf!!

 

 **prettyboy:** nah, i’m just laughing.

 

 **herongold:** but bro…

 

 **whipitgood:** i’ll pretend to be offended on your behalf Jace

 

 **herongold:** thanks Izzy  <3

 **herongold:** also, i’m a natural blond maia and you know it!

 

 **dracula-af:** no ones buying it buddy

 

 **herongold:** shut up, you nerd

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **dracula-af:** for fucks sake

 

 **mai-ayyy:** they’re still at it, I can’t

 

 **prettyboy:** update, magnus is on his 5th martini.

 

 **dracula-af:** oh my god????

 

 **herongold:** I mean, this is kinda entertaining

 

 **whipitgood:** anyone wanna bet on who will win?

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **mai-ayyy:** hell yeah 

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **herongold:** yes!

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **prettyboy:** why not

 

 **runemistress:** i’m game

 

 **herongold:** babe do you have a gambling problem we need to talk about??

 

 **runemistress:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **whipitgood:** ok twenty bucks says Magnus is gonna give up and stop adding Raphael

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **herongold:** make it another 20

 

 **magnificent-bane:** you puny shadowhunters, you'll regret understimating me like this

 

 **prettyboy:** another 20 says Santiago is gonna cave and stay in the chat

 

 **magnificent-bane:** aww darling :’)

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **prettyboy:** <3

 

 **runemistress:** yah i’m with Alec!

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **mai-ayyy:** another 20 on magnus giving up

 **mai-ayyy:** wait, where’s Simon?

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **dracula-af:** I'm right here

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Bane lo juro por Dios...

 

 **magnificent-bane:** don't speak the lord's anme in vain pumpkin

 

 **dracula-af:** anme

 

 **may-ayyy:** anme

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **runemistress:** anme

 

 **whipitgood:** anme ajshdhshd

 

 **runemistress:** Raphael’s totally gonna give up

 **runemistress:** that was the first sign

 

 **herongold:** don't underestimate his stubbornness babe

 

 **prettyboy:** true, but consider this: mags has switched from martinis to tequila sunrises. This is his second.

 

 **magnificent-bane:** I created this groupcht to have a good time and I'm honeslty feeling so attacked righh now

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **herongold:** wtf Alec?? why is he drinking so much?!

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **prettyboy:** we're at a meeting with the high-class warlocks from Europe, and for some reason Rey is here too.

 **prettyboy:** needless to say, mags isn't taking it too well.

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **whipitgood:** #needlesstosay

 

 **herongold:** LMFAO I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT

 

**Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **prettyboy:** ah ah ah, you two are so fucking funny.

 

 **whipitgood:**  we know

 

 **herongold:** we know

 **herongold:** OOOOHH AY SIS

 

 **whipitgood:** AY BRO!!

 

 **dracula-af:** ??? EXCUSEM E??? REY???????

 

 **runemistress:** I don't think he means the Rey you're thinking abt Simon

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **prettyboy:** uhm. Yes? Lorenzo Rey? He was the High Warlock of Brooklyn for a while?

 

 **dracula-af:** oh

 

 **prettyboy:** who did you think I was talking about??

 

 **dracula-af:** uhm no one

 

 **magnificent-bane:** It's a xharacter from Stra Wars bby

 

 **may-ayyy:** Simon you dumbass lmao

 

 **dracula-af:** excuse my geek ass for getting excited ok

 

 **herongold:** I'm laughing

 

 **whipitgood:** omg Magnus has switched to slang

 **whipitgood:** what's the drinks count Alec??

 

 **prettyboy:** this is his third tequila sunrise.

 **prettyboy:** also I've never watched this Stra Wars and I have no idea what you're talking about.

 

 **dracula-af:** STRA WARS

 **dracula-af:** I CANT BELIEVE I JUST HAD TO READ THAT WITH MY OWN TWO EYES AJDHSBHDJD

 **dracula-af:** U DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABT IM

 **dracula-af:** CLARY CALL 911 I THINK IM HAVING A STROKE

 

 **runemistress:** I got u fren

 

 **herongold:** what's all this fuss about? It's just a movie Simon, chill

 

 **dracula-af:** HHHHHHHSGAFSHFHF

 

 **runemistress:** babe wtf!!! I can't believe you just stone-cold murdered my best friend!!!!

 

 **herongold:** I'm...sorry??

 

 **prettyboy:** ...anyway.

 **prettyboy:** Jace, Maia, Izzy, you owe me and Clary 60 bucks.

 

 **mai-ayyy:** tf do you mean

 **mai-ayyy:** oh no

 

 **runemistress:** aw yisss

 

 **whipitgood:** ohh nooooo

 **whipitgood:** I can't believe I just lost to my own brother!!

 

 **herongold:** same

 **herongold:** SANTIAGO LEAVE I’M BROKE

 

 **dracula-af:** THATS MY BOYFRIEND URE YELLING AT U BLEACHED NEANDERTHAL

 **dracula-af:** ILL KICK UR ASS

 

 **herongold:** Simon chill!! I was joking, jeez

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** I'd gladly leave, but I have an extremely annoying friend and an ever more annoying boyfriend.

 **Raphael Santiago:** And Simon, I'm perfectly capable of “kicking ass” myself.

 

 **dracula-af:** the disrespect

 **dracula-af:** I defend ur honor and get called annoying in return

 **dracula-af:** just let me be chivalrous for once for gods sake

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Watch your profanity.

 

 **dracula-af:** right, sorry

 

 **mai-ayyy:** you guys are adorable tbh

 

 **herongold:** you bicker just like an old married couple, it's hilarious

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Watch it, Lightwood.

 

 **herongold:** you need to learn to relax my dude

 **herongold:** also I'm a Herondale, didn't you get the memo?

 

 **magnificent-bane:** It's admittledy har d to kepp up wiht all the suranmes sweethceks

 

 **whipitgood:** Alec take your boyfriend home, he's drunk

 

 **runemistress:** drinks count??

 

 **prettyboy:** yup, we're leaving right now.

 **prettyboy:** 5 martinis, 3 tequila sunrises. I'm surprised he's still standing upright.

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Herondale might be your surname but the Lightwoods are your family.

 **Raphael Santiago:** As far as I'm concerned, you're a Lightwood too.

 

 **runemistress:** wow…

 

 **herongold:** that was...unexpectedly sweet

 **herongold:** thanks, I guess

 

 **magnificent-bane:** Breajing News: Rsphael Sa ntiago Ha A Hearrt

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Dios por encima...

 

 **Raphael Santiago** _left the conversation_

 

 **runemistress:** damn Alec keep your bf in check!!

 

 **dracula-af:** AJSHSGSFHGKGKF

 **dracula-af:** PLEASE EXCUSE ME I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE THIS SUPER IMPORTANT THING TO DO B Y E

 

**dracula-af** _left the conversation_

 

 **whipitgood:** what the hell just happened??

 

 **runemistress:** Raphael said something rly sweet and Simon melted in a puddle of goo

 **runemistress:** he's probs cuddling the heck out of Raphael right now

 

 **mai-ayyy:** AWWWWWW

 

 **runemistress:** meanwhile Jace is still shook™

 

**runemistress** _sent a photo_

 

 **whipitgood:** awww bro

 

 **herongold:** babe you can't just throw blackmail material around like that!!

 

 **prettyboy:** that's not blackmail material Jace, that's just cute.

 **prettyboy:** and you know you've always been a Lightwood to us, no matter what.

 

 **whipitgood:** ^^^^^

 

 **runemistress:** awwww guys you've made him emotional  <3

 

 **runemistress** _sent a photo_

 

 **herongold:** stop exposing me like this sfsfagsg

 

 **runemistress:** <3 <3 <3

 

 **mai-ayyy:** wait

 **mai-ayyy:** Raphael has left

 **mai-ayyy:** does this mean the bet is on again??

 

 **prettyboy:** absolutely not.

 **prettyboy:** sore loser.

 

 **mai-ayyy:** >:[

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I sure hope u weren't expecting anything serious from this
> 
> Lo juro por Dios - I swear to God  
> Dios por encima - Lord above


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here they come...the Chick Flick Moments™

**2\. Honesty Day**

 

 **magnificent-bane** _added_ **dracula-af** _and_ **Raphael Santiago** _to the conversation_

 

 **magnificent-bane:** good morning beautiful people!

 **magnificent-bane:** without further ado I declare today Honesty Day, a day in which you can express your feelings and share the Love

 **magnificent-bane:** allow me to do the honours

 **magnificent-bane:** Simon, that sarcastic jab about not knowing why I added you to this chat was just that, a jab. I know perfectly well why I included you and it's because I consider you my friend and I enjoy your company

 **magnificent-bane:** Jace, I’m sorry for that comment about your recent surname misadventures. It might've sounded stupid but I know that the whole ordeal still upsets you, and I apologize

 **magnificent-bane:** and Raphael, my sweet child. I've always known that you have a big, compassionate heart (even if you're too emotionally constipated to show it 90% of the time), and that's one of the things I adore most about you

 **magnificent-bane:** that's all for me, now get wild with your honesty children!

 

 **herongold:** just...what the actual heck is going on…….

 

 **prettyboy:** hangovers make him emotional.

 

 **herongold:** oh okay

 **herongold:** uhm Magnus that's incredibly thoughtful and I appreciate it a lot, but really it's nbd, don't worry I didn't take it personally

 

 **magnificent-bane:** I'm glad to hear that  <3

 **magnificent-bane:** Alexander, my love, I'd say “don't expose me” again, but I have another honest confession to makel

 **magnificent-bane:** you can expose me in any way, anywhere, and anytime you want

 

 **mai-ayyy:** wink wink

 

 **prettyboy:** by the angel…

 

 **runemistress:** Magnus this is a fantastic idea!! My turn!!

 **runemistress:** I am incredibly grateful for having you guys in my life, all of you, even if the circumstances of how I came to meet y'all weren't the best

 **runemistress:** I am particularly happy to still have my bff _@dracula-af_ even tho I've been a shitty friend a lot, which I'll never stop being sorry about

 **runemistress:** Jace babe I love you so much, you make me the happiest carrot in the world everyday you're with me

 **runemistress:** Alec I'm coming to get you, sooner rather than later we’ll totally be bros

 **runemistress:** done!!

 

 **herongold:** babe I love you too so much

 

 **prettyboy:** this is honesty day, not “share your heterosexuality” day.

 **prettyboy:** Clary I…I already consider us friends. I'll work harder on making you see that.

 

 **herongold:** excuse you I'm not heterosexual

 

 **runemistress:** _@prettyboy_ buddy,,,,,, literally no one here's straight

 **runemistress:**  also <3 <3 <3

 

 **dracula-af:** magnus,,,,,,,,thank u :’’’)

 

 **magnificent-bane:** but of course my boy  <3

 

 **dracula-af:** _@runemistress_ my partner in crime, apple of my third eye, the c3po to my r2

 **dracula-af:** dwell on the past do not, my friend, for grateful that I still have you too, I am

 **dracula-af:** _@herongold_ my dude I kno ur hair isnt bleached, I was just joking

 **dracula-af:** im kinda envious of ur hair tbh it always looks so soft

 **dracula-af:** what kinda conditioner u use

 **dracula-af:** _@mai-ayyy_ im sorry abt that stack of missing plasma bottles, I promise one day ill pay for them

 

 **runemistress:** <3

 

 **herongold:** head and shoulders

 

 **mai-ayyy:** I KNEW it was ur fault

 

 **whipitgood:** omg I wanna hear the story behind that

 

 **dracula-af:** i stole some plasma bottles from hunters moon bc the clan wanted to get plastered in honour of lilys 96th bday

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** You told me you had paid for them!

 

 **dracula-af:** i will!

 **dracula-af:** eventually

 

 **whipitgood:** was there drunken streaking

 

 **dracula-af:** ofc there was

 

 **mai-ayyy:** u better send pictures and they better make me laugh or istg you're cleaning up the pub after-hours for the rest of the year

 

 **dracula-af**   _sent a photo_

 

 **mai-ayyy:** OH MU GOSDHDSHSJAJ

 

 **herongold:** LMFAO y'all vampires are wild as FUCK

 

 **prettyboy:** just what THE HELL is happening there???

 

 **dracula-af:** drunken streaking

 **dracula-af:** jeez alec keep up

 

 **runemistress:** sIMON i’M

 

 **magnificent-bane:** Sandokan is that you and Raphael dancing tango in the background?

 

 **dracula-af:** saNDOKA N????

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Baby, we need to have a talk about sharing sensible clan material.

 **Raphael Santiago:** Yes Bane that's us. I'd like to inform you all that Simon was born with two left feet.

 

 **herongold:** LMFAO

 

 **dracula-af:** akjshdhd dragged by my own bf

 **dracula-af:** im getting a divorce

 

 **mai-ayyy:** he doesn't deserve you anyway simon

 

 **runemistress:** o u c h

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Ven a decirmelo a mi rostro, puta.

 

 **mai-ayyy:** you wanna go, motherfucker

 

 **whipitgood:** guys…….

 

 **dracula-af:** dw izzy theyre always like this

 

 **runemistress:** peoplesss remember it's honesty day

 

 **herongold:** ok I'll go next

 **herongold:** I am the luckiest bastard alive because I have a loving family whom I too love with all my tiny Grinch heart, my friends are amazing and I cherish them all (yes, even you two _@dracula-af @mai-ayyy_ ), and at 21 I've already found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with

 

 **runemistress:** THIS IS THE MAN I LOVE EVERYONE

 

 **dracula-af:** bruh,,,,,,u made me emo

 **dracula-af:** also u cant really expect us to believe ur heart is grinch tiny after that honest confession

 

 **mai-ayyy:** ...ilu too you damn softie

 

 **herongold:** let's say end-of-the-movie-Grinch tiny

 

 **prettyboy:** so not tiny at all. I love you too, brother.

 

 **herongold:** <3

 

 **runemistress:** Alec has seen How The Grinch Stole Christmas #confirmed

 

 **prettyboy:** it's a classic!

 **prettyboy:** alright, my confession is pretty much identical to Jace's, except I've found a man, not a woman

 

 **magnificent-bane:** Alexander you're making me blush

 

 **prettyboy:** that's a LIE, he's sitting in the studio tinkering with his potions and his face is a mask of concentration.

 

 **dracula-af:** busted

 

 **mai-ayyy:** it's my turn I guess

 **mai-ayyy:** i wanna bang izzy

 

 **whipitgood:** AJHSHDHWHDSJJDJS

 

 **runemistress:** oh mY GoD??

 

 **dracula-af:** OOOOOOOHHH

 

 **herongold:** delicious. finally, some good fucking gossip

 

 **whipitgood:** MY TURN I WANNA BANG MAIA

 

 **mai-ayyy:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 **whipitgood:** bYE

 

 **whipitgood** _abandoned the conversation_

 

 **mai-ayyy:** bye losers gonna get laid

 

 **mai-ayyy** _abandoned the conversation_

 

 **dracula-af:** well, that escalated quickly

 

 **herongold:** yesssss get it girls!

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** That was...sudden.

 

 **prettyboy:** it's been a long time coming actually. Izzy's been mooning over Maia for months now.

 

 **runemistress:** awww

 **runemistress:** look at them lesbians growing up :’’’)

 

 **magnificent-bane:** Selenium that meme is almost as old as me, you can do better

 

 **herongold:** sELENIUM

 

 **prettyboy:** Izzy's not a lesbian.

 

 **dracula-af:** i thought she was american

 **dracula-af:** _@magnificent-bane_ ITS VINTAGE

 

 **prettyboy:** Obviously she is???

 

 **runemistress:** Simonnn lmfao

 

 **magnificent-bane:** _@Raphael Santiago_ honesty day is still on :)

 

 **dracula-af:** ayyy raph its ur turn

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** I just read the texts that started all this mayhem.

 **Raphael Santiago:** Bane, you're such a sap. It's embarrassing, really.

 

 **magnificent-bane:** :(

 

 **dracula-af:** amor behave

 **dracula-af:** honesty day, remember

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Fine.

 **Raphael Santiago:** You saved my life decades ago. I would not be who I am today without you, Magnus, and I am immensely grateful for everything you did for me, and proud that I can call you family.

 

 **runemistress:** w oah…

 

 **herongold:** Santiago back at it again with the disarming sweetness and sincerity

 

 **prettyboy:** Magnus is crying.

 

 **prettyboy** _sent a photo_

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** So dramatic.

 **Raphael Santiago:** Tell him I meant every word.

 

 **prettyboy:** he's full-on sobbing right now.

 

 **dracula-af:** AIGHT I HAVE ANOTHER CONFESSION TO MAKE

 **dracula-af:** *inhales*

 

 **herongold:** I can't believe you just deadass wrote *inhales*

 

 **dracula-af:** I AM TRULY MADLY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH MY GRUMPY BOYFRIEND RAPHAEL SANTIAGO

 **dracula-af:** who loves me just as much but is too reserved to yell it into the void like i just did

 

 **runemistress:** the void?? excuse me

 

 **dracula-af:** its just a figure of speech fray, chill

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** I most certainly am not going yell, but I too will confess that I am truly, madly, deeply in love with my idiot boyfriend Simon Lewis.

 

 **dracula-af:** AMOR AJDHSGDHHSNS

 

 **runemistress:** you two are sooo cute!!

 **runemistress:** _@herongold_ babe maia’s gone so the fangirling is up to us

 

 **herongold:** do I really have to

 

 **runemistress:** what do u think

 

 **herongold:** fine

 **herongold:** aww

 

 **dracula-af:** so....moving....I can totes feel the......Lov™……..

 

 **prettyboy:** jace, remember it's honesty day.

 

 **herongold:** FINE OH MY GOD

 **herongold:** _@dracula-af @Raphael Santiago_ you guys are ridiculously cute

 **herongold:** ARE YALL HAPPY NOW

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Very.

 

 **dracula-af:** yes i am

 

 **runemistress:** good boy

 

 **herongold:** <3

 

 **prettyboy:** ugh, keep your kinky stuff out of this chat.

 

 **herongold:** bro you wanna start a kinkshaming contest with us?? Do you really??

 

 **runemistress:** you know we can drag you to hell and back right

 

 **dracula-af:** OOOOHH i smell some juicy stuff here

 

 **prettyboy:** …nevermind.

 

 **runemistress:** that's what I thought.

 

 **dracula-af:** but I wanna kno……...

 

 **magnificent-bane:** ...biscuit, I'd like to have a couple words with you two. Would you and Jace like to join me for breakfast? I'll make waffles

 

 **herongold:** yes we would!! I miss your waffles

 

 **runemistress:** of course Magnus ;)

 

 **dracula-af:** DAMN I WANNA HEAR ABT ALECS DIRTIEST KINKS TOO

 

 **prettyboy:** I do NOT deserve to be mistreated like this.

 

 **magnificent-bane:** why love, is there a particular way you'd like to be mistreated?

 

 **runemistress:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **herongold:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 **prettyboy:** ajhsfhxbdfndfndksks

 

 **herongold:** alec.exe has stopped responding

 

 **dracula-af:** I WANNA KNOOOOWWWW

 

 **Raphael Santiago:** Señor ayudame...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ven a decírmelo a mi rostro, puta - Come say that to my face, bitch  
> Señor ayudame - Lord help me  
> Amor - love
> 
> listen...........my spanish isn't exactly 10/10 as u probably can tell so if I made any mistakes pls lmk so I can fix it  
> also, any kinda comment would be really appreciated <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most Quality™ content I will ever write

**3\. RIP VINE**

 

**dracula-af:** _@magnificent-bane_ make me admin pls

 

**herongold:**  Magnus no!! Don't give him that kind of power!!

 

**Raphael Santiago:**  I too strongly advise against it.

 

**dracula-af:**  amor ouch, I trusted u

 

**magnificent-bane** _ added  _ **dracula-af** _ as group administrator _

 

**magnificent-bane:**  use this power wisely, Serenella

 

**dracula-af:**  yessir (aint even gonna comment that)

 

**herongold:**  we're doomed…

 

**dracula-af** _ added  _ **mai-ayyy** _ and  _ **whipitgood** _ to the conversation _

 

__ **dracula-af** _ changed their name to  _ **sandguardian**

__ **sandguardian** _ changed  _ **_Raphael Santiago_ ** _ ’s name to  _ **_twobagels_ **

__ **sandguardian** _ changed  _ **herongold** _ ’s name to  _ **chickens**

__ **sandguardian** _ changed  _ **magnificent-bane** _ 's name to  _ **yoyomaster**

__ **sandguardian** _ changed  _ **runemistress'** _ s name to  _ **patricia**

__ **sandguardian** _ changed  _ **prettyboy** _ 's name to  _ **alottasodium**

__ **sandguardian** _ changed  _ **whipitgood** _ ’s name to  _ **american**

__ **sandguardian** _ changed  _ **mai-ayyy** _ ’s name to  _ **shalissa**

 

**chickens:**  Simon wtf

 

**sandguardian:**  it is what it is

 

**shalissa:**  LMFAO OK I CAN ROLL WITH THIS

 

**patricia:**  ME TOO AKSJSJJD

 

**alottasodium:**  I…don't understand?

 

**chickens:**  me neither??

 

**american:**  I woke up to this bullshit

**american:**  ofc I'm american??

 

**twobagels:**  …bebé what is this.

 

**patricia:**  si this must be the best idea you've ever had I'm cry laughing so hard

**patricia:**  Jace is so oFFENDED I'M

 

**patricia** _sent a photo_

 

**chickens:**  babe goddammit stop making fun of me and explain this shit

 

**yoyomaster:**  AMERICA EXBLAIN

 

**alottasodium:**  WHAT’S GOING ON??

 

**sandguardian:**  AJSHDHJDJD MAGNUS MY MAN MY DUDE MY PAL

**sandguardian:**  I KNEW I COULD TRUST U

 

**twobagels:**  You can always trust Bane when it comes to idiotic pop culture humour.

**twobagels:**  Because that's what this is about, isn't it?

 

**shalissa:**  shut up you demon

 

**chickens** _sent a photo_

 

**chickens:**  she's literally rolling on the floor laughing

**chickens:**  I think she's gonna have an aneurysm, call 911

 

**sandguardian:**  dis 911 whatchu doin

 

**patricia:**  I'M DYING

 

**sandguardian:**  oh shit without me

 

**chickens:**  ????????????

 

**shalissa:**  LMFAOOO

 

**yoyomaster:**  I knew I wouldn't regret making you admin Santorini

 

**sandguardian:**  *finger guns*

**sandguardian:**  dude this is getting ridiculous tho thats not even a name its a place

 

**twobagels:**  A very charming place too.

**twobagels:**  I'll take you there, as long as you give us an explanation regarding these names.

 

**sandguardian:**  ur wish is my command

 

**alottasodium:**  oh thank the angel!

 

**twobagels:**  Excuse you Lightwood, thank ME.

 

**alottasodium:**  right, pardon me, thank you Santiago.

 

**sandguardian** _sent a link “RIP Vine Compilation”_

 

**chickens:**  Simon Lewis? Easily bribed with romance? It's more likely than you think

 

**patricia:**  babe you are too, don't be smug 

 

**chickens:**  why do you always call me out like this, I'm just trying to be cool :’(

 

**alottasodium:**  bro we all know you're cool, there's no need to “try”.

 

**chickens:**  bro……

 

**shalissa:**  I beg to differ

 

**chickens:**  fuck off you fake beyonce

**chickens:**  Simon I still don't get why this is my name?? 

 

**sandguardian:**  bc those are DUCKS

**sandguardian:**  arent u scared of ducks

 

**chickens:**  ahr ahr real fucking funny

 

**american:**  simon those are geese u ignorant hoe

**american:**  also I'm not a lesbian!! I'm pan like you!!!

 

**sandguardian:**  jeez i kno its the inherent joke thats funny

 

**patricia:**  dw simon izzy is just real slow

 

**american:**  I am: offended

**american:** _ @sandguardian _ change my name to nobitchno

 

**patricia:**  si Jace wants his to be changed to junior because he's really handsome lol

 

**shalissa:**  is he so butt-hurt he can't ask for it himself??

 

**patricia:**  nah he's taking a shower, he yelled it from the bathroom

 

**sandguardian:**  he aint rich enough to have homies take showers for him

 

**sandguardian** _changed_ **american** _'s_ _name to_ **nobitchno**

**sandguardian** _changed_ **chickens** _’s_ _name to_ **junior**

 

**nobitchno:**  much better, thank

 

**sandguardian:**  anyone else doesnt appreciate my fine humor and wants their name changed

 

**yoyomaster:**  I am very happy with this name you chose for me, thank you

 

**sandguardian:**  magnus ilysm

 

**twobagels:**  Simon is my name a reference to the discussion we had with Stan the other night?

 

**sandguardian:**  yes!! so proud u got it :’’)

 

**twobagels:**  Then I'll keep it.

 

**sandguardian:**  I feel appreciated  <3

 

**twobagels:**  I always appreciate you mi amor.

 

**sandguardian:**   <3 <3 <3

 

**patricia:**  OTP

 

**nobitchno:** _ @sandguardian _ what happened the other night??

 

**sandguardian:**  wouldnt u like to kno

 

**nobitchno:**  yes i would I'm hella bored

 

**patricia:**  h e l l a

**patricia:**  that's so 2002 iz

 

**sandguardian:** _ @nobitchno _ so the other night stan was brooding bc lily had fucking owned him on mario karts rainbow road 

**sandguardian:**  so i, being the compassionate soul that i am, volunteered to go to his favourite vamp coffee shop to get him something

**sandguardian:**  and he goes “the only thing i wish for is lilys demise” and from his office raph yells “he wants a donut, the kind with sprinkles” and stan makes the most affronted face and says “no i dont want it” and raph “make it two, he needs to be spoiled when hes in this mood” and stan fucking POUTED

**sandguardian:**  this huge ass 68yo hunk of a vamp fucking pouted at me and in that moment lily walked in and saw him

**sandguardian:**  i had to get him three donuts in the end

 

**nobitchno:**  lmao poor stan

 

**patricia:**  wow I didn't know there were such things as vampire coffee shops, that's so cool!

 

**sandguardian:**  ikr??? theres one in harlem near the hotel and a couple in brooklyn

**sandguardian:**  food and drinks are all blood based, its pretty amazing

 

**shalissa:**  uhm guys, where is Alec? He's disappeared

 

**nobitchno:**  right just like YOU did this morning you COWARD

**nobitchno:**  seduce the girl and then leave am I right??

 

**sandguardian:**  OH FUCK MAIA

**sandguardian:**  I CANT BELIEVE UVE DONE THIS

 

**shalissa:** _ @nobitchno _ I had to leave for work!! I left you a note!!

 

**nobitchno:**  you did??

**nobitchno:**  Oh

 

**patricia:**  Iz….you useless bitch……..you didn't even see it did you

 

**nobitchno:**  ...no i didn't 

**nobitchno:**  I just found it

**nobitchno:**  I'm sorry Maia

 

**shalissa:**  it's ok baby

 

**sandguardian:**  aaahh already reached pet names level i see

 

**twobagels:**  How adorable.

 

**shalissa:**  you two are in no place to make fun of us

 

**patricia:**  I ship it

**patricia:**  real talk though, where's Alec?

 

**nobitchno:**  yeah right!! Magnus what happened??

 

**yoyomaster:**  you wouldn't believe me

 

**patricia:**  try us

 

**yoyomaster:**  you couldn't imagine this in your wildest dreams 

 

**sandguardian:**  ooohhh i think I got it actually

 

**shalissa:**  ??? how????

 

**sandguardian:**  magnus say it

 

**yoyomaster** _sent a photo_

 

**yoyomaster:**  he's been watching the video on repeat for the past ten minutes 

 

**patricia:**  OMG AHAHAHAHAA

 

**sandguardian:**  I KNEW IT

 

**shalissa:**  omfg look at his face!!!

**shalissa:**  he's laughing so much he has literal tears in his eyes afsgaashagdjfn

 

**nobitchno:**  awww I haven't seen him laugh this joyfully in years I'm

 

**sandguardian:**  magnus this is a very precious photo, even raph thinks its cute

 

**twobagels:**  Well it is.

 

**yoyomaster:**  you know what, you're all completely right. I'm going to print it, have it framed and put it in my studio 

 

**shalissa:**  soooo sweet aww

 

**patricia:**  #whipped

 

**yoyomaster:**  absolutely!

 

**junior:**  I'm back!! What did I miss while I was gone??

 

**sandguardian:**  B O I clary had three kids right

 

**patricia:**  SIMONNN WTF

 

**junior:**  I sure as hell hope not

 

**shalissa:**  LMFAO

 

**twobagels:** _ @junior _ We've gathered that you're not rich enough to have other people take showers in your place, I learned the reason behind my name, Isabelle and Maia had a minor romantic misunderstanding and apparently your brother has had an epiphany.

 

**junior:**  precise, concise and short. 10/10 recap would ask for info again, thank you Santiago

 

**twobagels:**  You're welcome.

 

**sandguardian:**  sigh, my bf is so charming

 

**alottasodium:**  Simon, I would like, from the very bottom of my heart, to thank you for introducing us to this “vine" thing

**alottasodium:**  I can't honestly remember the last time I laughed so hard.

 

**sandguardian:**  it was my absolute pleasure 

**sandguardian:**  everyone deserves to kno what vine is

 

**patricia:**  *was :’(

 

**junior:**  was??

 

**yoyomaster:**  alas, vine was closed last year

 

**alottasodium:**  what the fuck! Why??

 

**junior:**  ABSOLUTELY BARBARIC

 

**yoyomaster:**  there were a lot of factors; the company didn't have enough money to keep it running, other platforms were more successful etc

 

**patricia:**  it was a very sad ending…

 

**sandguardian:**  im still mourning tbh

**sandguardian:**  also Jace ive been meaning to ask u

**sandguardian:**  how the heck do u know so many memes??

 

**junior:**  oh haven't you heard?

 

**shalissa:**  damn he's good…

 

**patricia:**  I've been teaching him, obviously

 

**sandguardian:**  OMG

**sandguardian:**  THIS MEANS UVE BEEN TEACHING HIM ABT MODERN DADAISM TOO RIGHT

 

**patricia:**  D A M N R I G H T

 

**junior:**  she has…it's all very compelling

 

**towbagels:**  What's Modern Dadaism?

 

**sandguardian:**  its a theory me and clary have abt memes and shitposting in general

 

**twobagels:**  ...what’s shitposting?

 

**patricia:**  damn Simon, I have been teaching my bf, why aren't you teaching yours??

 

**sandguardian:**  its a slow process ok, were still working on the basics of pop culture

 

**junior:**  the Dadaist Movement (or Dada) born during the 20th century rejected any form of logic and reason, instead choosing to express itself with the use of irrationality and nonsense.The typical forms of art used by the movement include collage, cut-up writing and visual and sound media, which coincidentally are the most common sources used by the meme culture. There is an undeniable connection between these two forms of art, and by this reasoning we can theorize that Memes are nothing more than an even more satirical evolution of the Dada Movement. In this essay I will

 

**patricia:**  babe….I am so proud……….

 

**shalissa:**  that was so passionate wow

 

**yoyomaster:**  extremely well put pumpkin, you've caught my attention

 

**junior:**  I do have an extremely passionate teacher  <3

 

**patricia:**  <3 <3 <3

 

**twobagels:**  It's a very interesting concept, indeed.

 

**sandguardian:**  AHA I knew ur art hoe™ side wouldve accepted this theory amor

 

**alottasodium:** _@junior_ you will...what? That's not even an essay...

 

**junior:**  …

 

**patricia:**  …

 

**shalissa:**  …

 

**sandguardian:**  …

 

**alottasodium:**  what??

 

**twobagels:**  Bane, I think your boyfriend needs some pop culture lessons as well.

 

**yoyomaster:**  yeah...I guess he does

  
**alottasodium:**  what's going on????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they say ignorance is bliss so why is Alec feeling so left out
> 
> ALSO HELLO IM THE MOST PASSIONATE MODERN DADAISM THEORIST ITS A PLEASURE TO MEET YALL
> 
> ps. comments are life ❤️


End file.
